Bi

Good bi Chicago!!!!!!!!

Bud Billiken

What a crazy-fun weekend!!!!1 I went to the Bud Billiken Parade on the South Side with my friend Tom and we had a blast. Its this huge parade in Chicago and Tom told me that it is the second largest parade in the Country. He is sooo smart he always knows things like that. Bud Biliken is this fictional character that was created to make kids go to school and get along, very amazing and I hear it works really well in Chicago Public Schools. Anyway, we hung out there all day and watched all of the amazing floats go by, everyone dancing and holllering very loudly. Forrest Whitaker was there but no Obama, who was the general marshal or whatever you call it last year. Apparently, a bunch of cars were towed and two kids got shot, but those sorts of things happen all the time in Chicago. Here is a funny movie a friend sent me;

I'm Back!!!

OH MY GAWD!!!!!

Hey guys!!! I am back!!!

After spending the past couple games watching the pigeons on the sidelines (I still can't figure out how they get into dome stadiums without having tickets), I am back as your favorite QB on the Chicago Bears! I was pretty unprepared for this as you all could have seen from my dropping of the first snap that I took from cutie Olin. I think the thing that I am most excited about is not being so cold now. It is super cold sitting on that metal bench and tears are only warm the first half inch that they run down your cheeks. But now I get to turn my frown :( upside down :) LOL!!!

So in even BIGGER news, I got a cat this past weekend. I asked Lovie if I could take Mr. Tippins to the games with me. I even got him a cutie-pie new hat to wear on the sidelines. I think that Kyle can look after him since he will be cold on the bench the rest of the season. Here is a picture of Mr' Tippins that I took with my iPhone (the iPhone is RAD!!!!). He is going to stay so warm on the sidelines. He might even help Kyle stay warm. Although Kyle said he has his own secret to staying warm on the sidelines. I don't know how he can get warm by drinking all that cold water he drinks from his water bottle.

Well I have to study. It feels like I was on summer break because I didn't have to learn any new plays or even try real real hard to remember the old ones. I even got locked out of my house one night. For some reason my next door neighbor answered my door when I was trying to get the key in the door. I think he said that I was trying to get in his house, but I know he was just trying to play a prank on me.

So for dinner tonight as I am watching the Bionic Woman, I am going to have dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets with honey mustard sauce to dip it in. I can't figure out if honey mustard is mustard flavored honey or honey flavored mustard, but I LOVE the stuff. I am sure I would eat it for breakfast if I was allowed to.

Hiiiiiiiiiiii

Okay so I know I haven't posted to this blog in a while and I apologize. I thought that since I wasn't the starting QB anymore that I couldn't blog anymore. But my Dad (Dan) told me it's was okay to still do it so I am doing it, cause my Dad (Dan) said I could.

I went to my Mom and Dad's (Dan) house last Sunday before the game (since I wasn't playing in the game I didn't care if I was late to the building we play in). My mom had a bunch of Halloween candy on the counter cause she just went shopping (she doesn't use Peapod like me cause she's old and doesn't know that everyone uses Peapod, even astronauts). She bought my favorite candy, charleston chews, and when she went to the bathroom I ate them all. I told her someone came in the house and stole them (so I wouldn't get yelled at for eating them all), and to make her believe it I also stole some jewelry from her bedroom so she would really think a burglar was in the house (I am going to give it back to her soon though).

Then I met some really nice policemen who let me ride in their car and play with the sirens, it was the coolest. If I wasn't a football player I would want to be a police car. I would be like the police car from Transformers movie (which was super-awesome by the way). But I would be a good guy.

Anyway, this Sunday we play the Eagles in Philly, and I am probably not going to start again since Brian "I was born during the Carter Administration" Greasy is now our starting QB. I hope he does real bad so I can be the starter again. I have been putting bleach in Kyle Orton's water so if Greasy gets hurt I'll be the only guy Lovie (hehehe, his name is still funny) can turn to. Kyle seems to like it though; he thought it was a new type of vodka.

Anyway, just didn't want any of you to think I had quit writing since I am letting Greasy play now. When you see me on TV in Philly wave to me and if I see you inside the camera I'll wave back.

Thinking of you,

Rex.

Meet the new boss.......

Same as the old boss......

I know there are a lot of you looser Monday morning coaches out there that have been asking for Greasey to replace me for a long time. Coach Smith finally gave you your request so will you please STFU. You got exactly what you asked for and Greasey helped the Lions win on Sunday. He threw 2 interceptions in the end zone and one interception that was ran back for a TD. This would have bee another 21 points for our team, do you really think I could have been that bad even if I tried? My passer rating last season was 73.9, Greasey had a passer rating of 68.3 this game. Wow, great move armchair coaches, keep up the good work.

Aside from Greasey throwing the game away, I was able to checkout some more pigeons this week. During the 2nd Quarter there was this group of three that kept flying over our heads. Orton thought they were bats, but he doesn't understand pigeons the way I do. How did pigeons get inside a dome stadium? Do you think there is a hole somewhere that they crawl through?

your mom

so drunk right now, me and orton did shots at half time again!!!! greasey threw more interseptions than I did today. So funny cause orton just grabbed this fat chicks ass. "I know i am fat but I use to be skinny" plus she thinks orton is perfectly shaped.

So NOT Cool!

Okay so get this: last night after our game (which I think me may have lost? – I don't know, I was too busy looking for my pigeon friends any not really paying attention to the "action" on the field…whatever) I went over to Kyle Orton's locker to see what his plans were and he was like, "oh, uh, my mom is sick, so I am just going to go see her tonight". I thought that was very nice of him, but kinda gay; so I asked Brian "I was born in the 1970's" Griese what he was up to (cause us gunslingers have to stick together) and he said, "uh, well, umm, I have to drive Kyle to his mom's house cause it's her birthday or something. No, wait, I mean, she is sick."

So I was a bit suspicious, but then I started thinking about the pigeons on the field last week and why they weren't at this game. The next thing I realized, I was the only person left in the locker room and all the lights were turned off (this happens a lot!). So I used the light from my cell phone to find my clothes, got dressed and just went home. I was going to go out, but the movie Beaches was on the USA network and I had some popcorn left, so that sealed the deal right there!

Well, a few hours ago I called Kyle to see how his mom was feeling, and he was so totally hungover! I disguised my voice to sound like Darth Vader and asked him what he did last night. He told me that he and Brian went out downtown and got smashed! WTF!?! Then he said, "Dude, we totally told Rex that my mom was sick and he bought it! That guy is so lame. Whenever we go out he keeps throwing his car keys to the wrong valet attendant, he drops drinks all over the place, and he's a crappy wing-man, he creeps all the chicks out with his constant pigeon conversations. Hey…who is this by the way?"

I was so mad at him! So I told him it was "Peapod" calling and that his groceries would be delivered in a little bit. I bet he has been waiting all day for his groceries and they're never going to come, LOL! Oh, and for the record, I only throw my keys to the wrong valet attendants like 2 or 3 times a night, and I keep dropping beers cause the bartenders hand them to me wrong!

Anyway, I have to think of something to do to get back at Brian too (its gonna be hard to top my "Peapod" idea though). Maybe I'll call his mom and tell her that Brian died of old age; or maybe I'll take his car and crash it on the Edens Expressway (like I did to get even with Lance Briggs after he tied my shoelaces together in practice one day). Anyway, I have to go, the Gummy Bears cartoon is on and I don't have this episode on Tivo.

You are my sunshine,

Rex.

Tears and Fears

What is that a picture of? Why its a "Pro-Bowl" QB blowing his entire team's season because he can't take a snap. Yeah everyone likes to criticize me because I have trouble holding onto snaps from Olen, but this guys went to the "Pro-Bowl." What kind of QB cries after a mistake. I am the most scrutinized QB in professional football today, millions of fans hate me and do you see me shedding a tear. No, I go about my business and do my job like a professional. Never have I cried on the field, Romo is a pansy. He is going to get destroyed like a Kennedy's liver on Christmas. Urlacher and Briggs are gonna bring a big plate of hurt to Captain Kleenex unlike anything he has seen before. Last season during Romo's "pro bowl" season he was ranked 32nd in the league in yards/game (I was 21st). The point is he is an overrated crybaby looser that is not a pro bowl QB and our defense is going to put him in his place. Goodnight Tony.

Pigeon

I kept noticing pigeons on the field yesterday during the kansas city game. At first there was a family of pigeons. A mom, dad and two kid pigeons. I know that it was a mom and dad cause they kept telling their children pigeons where to go. I think they must have been looking for food or maybe a place to sleep. Maybe they thought these was a rain storm coming and they wanted to look for a house to live in so they didn't get wet. Then they decided to go somewhere else, but I am not sure where. Then two other pigeons landed on the 30 yard line. I think they must have been on a date because there was one boy and one girl. They kept flying around and chasing each other. I wonder if it was a first date? I talked to my friend Dawn this week and she said a bird pooped on her Friday night. That is really funny.

Mike Brown, my father never liked you.

Dear Mike,

You are a useless waste of a professional football player and crying in the locker room in front of everyone because you hurt your knee is no way to act like a man. You should just quit the team and move back to Arizona where you can train dogs to fight each other. I hear they have a dry heat hopefully that will dry your tears when you stop crying.

You missed:
14 games in 2004
4 games in 2005
10 games in 2006
15 games in 2007

I know homeless people that go to work more often than you. Do yourself, your team and your family a favor and quietly retire from football.

Love,
Wrecks

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111

The coolest thing just happened this past week. We have another awesome QB trying out for the team. He is a former, and National Champion, Florida Gator (this is me totally doing the "gator chomp" in the air right now). CHRIS LEAK IS TRYING OUT FOR THE TEAM!!!!

The more great Florida Gator QBs we have on this team the better. Kyle is getting a little nervous since he thinks he will not have me as a drinking buddy anymore, but Kyle is so totally awesome he will love hanging out with Chris.

Ok buddies, I have to run to practice and make sure Chris makes the team!

Thanks

Dear Bloomington, IN, Gator Nation, and Steve Bartman,

Thanks for your support of my play all year. I might have been a little caught up in all of the distractions down in Miami, the rain, and counting to $1,000,000 to play a good game. But I promise that I will use this bonus to buy gifts and candy for all of you.

-Rex

reader comment

An anonymous poster posted this comment today:

Hehe - How did Peyton play outside last night???? Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

and how did your precious bears play outside last night????

tripped, slipped, dropped, flopped, picked, sucked, and lost. maybe you should re-write your blog to reflect reality

Ok Mr. Anonymous lets talk reality!!!!! Payton Manning’s season average passer rating when he is playing indoors is 112.0. Last night his passer rating was 81.8, which is far from “Grrrrrrrrrrreat!” In fact, last week I predicted that Manning’s rating yesterday would be 23.4 points lower than his average Looks like my prediction was close but he was actually worse last night than I thought.

Now let’s look at pass completions. This is absolutely hysterical because my pass completion percentage was actually higher than Manning’s!!!!! Maybe because I don’t lick my fingers as much as he does. I was 20 for 28 (71%), while Manning was 25 for 38 (66%) in between licking his hands.

So why on earth did he get the MVP last night? I threw 2 TD passes (unfortunately one for the Colts) and he only threw one. I was the giving the Colts excellent field position by dropping several snaps from a pro bowl center. So why did he get the MVP….. Because the Roger Goodell and Archie Manning are having a homosexual affair and this forces NFL to gush about all things Manning. They even love Cooper Manning who is a lazy cripple.

Steve

The Super Bowl wasn’t as much fun as I thought it would be, but I met this really cool guy Steve!!! Steve and I pretty much hung out the entire time, we went shopping, out to dinner, and he even showed me his totally awesome apartment. We seemed to talk about everything. He use to live in Chicago but moved down to Florida a couple of years ago. He says he misses Chicago but can’t go back for some reason. Steve said that I could move in with him if I wanted and I am thinking about. He has a really great futon that I could sleep on. I really like Florida, maybe I will stay here and move in with Steve. We can be BFFs!

Sunday we play outside

Passer ratting passer rating, that’s all the press wants to talk about when my name comes up. Do any of these “reporters” bother to do any research? We all know that Captain-Licks-A-Lot is the greatest quarterback in the history of the game (yeah right). He is so wonderfully awesome that is you spell Manning is scrabble you win forever.

Anyways, all it takes is a little bit of researching to see that he is only good when he plays indoors in a nice comfortable air conditioned stadium. Did you know that they heat the stadium in Indianapolis with dead babies?

Well, I have some finger licking good news for you Payton, your passer rating outside (where god intended football to be played), isn’t all that inspiring. If any of these “reporters” would do their homework they would notice some interesting numbers. I know you think you are hot stuff because you have a passer rating of 101 this season but Miami is an outdoor stadium and you can’t play outside. And guess what, the weather reports predict that temps could be in the 50s at game time. What’s even cooler is that there is a 50% chance of rain and thunderstorms the entire day. Unfortunately for you, Prince might have to switch to a thicker warmer blouse.

Captain Licks-A-Lot, your passer rating when you play outside is actually 23.4 points lower when you play outdoors!!!!!!! That is amazingly pathetic. How come no one is asking you why you can’t play outdoors? Or asking, which Payton is going to show up, the outdoor or indoor Payton? I know you will say to your lazy brother Cooper, that all QBs in the NFL have lower passer ratings when they play outside.

GUESS WHAT, WRONG WONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!! You and your cripple brother are both wrong. My passer rating this year is actually better when I play outside, probably because my parents loved me. When I play outdoors my passer rating is actually 17.9 points higher!!!!! This is why I am the greatest Bears QB ever and you are only good during the regular season when you play inside a dome.

Outdoors
Rex: 17.9 points higher
Licks-A-Lot: 23.4 points lower

You do the math

XOXOXO,
Rex

Tecmo Bowl Predictions

Just For Amanda

Amanda,
Have you ever heard of Tank Johnson? Well, he is suppose to be in jail, but just like Chuck Norris the Feds can't keep him locked up. Anyways, here is an artists rendition of Captain Licks-A-Lot getting destroyed by Tank and his fav buddy Adewale Ogunleye (big hitter the Lama).

p.s. Amanda = Connie

Frank Sinatra was right

Frank was right, Chicago is my kind of town.

Foreshadowing

Foreshadowing Sunday's Game