I'm Back!!!

OH MY GAWD!!!!!

Hey guys!!! I am back!!!

After spending the past couple games watching the pigeons on the sidelines (I still can't figure out how they get into dome stadiums without having tickets), I am back as your favorite QB on the Chicago Bears! I was pretty unprepared for this as you all could have seen from my dropping of the first snap that I took from cutie Olin. I think the thing that I am most excited about is not being so cold now. It is super cold sitting on that metal bench and tears are only warm the first half inch that they run down your cheeks. But now I get to turn my frown :( upside down :) LOL!!!

So in even BIGGER news, I got a cat this past weekend. I asked Lovie if I could take Mr. Tippins to the games with me. I even got him a cutie-pie new hat to wear on the sidelines. I think that Kyle can look after him since he will be cold on the bench the rest of the season. Here is a picture of Mr' Tippins that I took with my iPhone (the iPhone is RAD!!!!). He is going to stay so warm on the sidelines. He might even help Kyle stay warm. Although Kyle said he has his own secret to staying warm on the sidelines. I don't know how he can get warm by drinking all that cold water he drinks from his water bottle.

Well I have to study. It feels like I was on summer break because I didn't have to learn any new plays or even try real real hard to remember the old ones. I even got locked out of my house one night. For some reason my next door neighbor answered my door when I was trying to get the key in the door. I think he said that I was trying to get in his house, but I know he was just trying to play a prank on me.

So for dinner tonight as I am watching the Bionic Woman, I am going to have dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets with honey mustard sauce to dip it in. I can't figure out if honey mustard is mustard flavored honey or honey flavored mustard, but I LOVE the stuff. I am sure I would eat it for breakfast if I was allowed to.

Hiiiiiiiiiiii

Okay so I know I haven't posted to this blog in a while and I apologize. I thought that since I wasn't the starting QB anymore that I couldn't blog anymore. But my Dad (Dan) told me it's was okay to still do it so I am doing it, cause my Dad (Dan) said I could.

I went to my Mom and Dad's (Dan) house last Sunday before the game (since I wasn't playing in the game I didn't care if I was late to the building we play in). My mom had a bunch of Halloween candy on the counter cause she just went shopping (she doesn't use Peapod like me cause she's old and doesn't know that everyone uses Peapod, even astronauts). She bought my favorite candy, charleston chews, and when she went to the bathroom I ate them all. I told her someone came in the house and stole them (so I wouldn't get yelled at for eating them all), and to make her believe it I also stole some jewelry from her bedroom so she would really think a burglar was in the house (I am going to give it back to her soon though).

Then I met some really nice policemen who let me ride in their car and play with the sirens, it was the coolest. If I wasn't a football player I would want to be a police car. I would be like the police car from Transformers movie (which was super-awesome by the way). But I would be a good guy.

Anyway, this Sunday we play the Eagles in Philly, and I am probably not going to start again since Brian "I was born during the Carter Administration" Greasy is now our starting QB. I hope he does real bad so I can be the starter again. I have been putting bleach in Kyle Orton's water so if Greasy gets hurt I'll be the only guy Lovie (hehehe, his name is still funny) can turn to. Kyle seems to like it though; he thought it was a new type of vodka.

Anyway, just didn't want any of you to think I had quit writing since I am letting Greasy play now. When you see me on TV in Philly wave to me and if I see you inside the camera I'll wave back.

Thinking of you,

Rex.

Meet the new boss.......

Same as the old boss......

I know there are a lot of you looser Monday morning coaches out there that have been asking for Greasey to replace me for a long time. Coach Smith finally gave you your request so will you please STFU. You got exactly what you asked for and Greasey helped the Lions win on Sunday. He threw 2 interceptions in the end zone and one interception that was ran back for a TD. This would have bee another 21 points for our team, do you really think I could have been that bad even if I tried? My passer rating last season was 73.9, Greasey had a passer rating of 68.3 this game. Wow, great move armchair coaches, keep up the good work.

Aside from Greasey throwing the game away, I was able to checkout some more pigeons this week. During the 2nd Quarter there was this group of three that kept flying over our heads. Orton thought they were bats, but he doesn't understand pigeons the way I do. How did pigeons get inside a dome stadium? Do you think there is a hole somewhere that they crawl through?

your mom

so drunk right now, me and orton did shots at half time again!!!! greasey threw more interseptions than I did today. So funny cause orton just grabbed this fat chicks ass. "I know i am fat but I use to be skinny" plus she thinks orton is perfectly shaped.

So NOT Cool!

Okay so get this: last night after our game (which I think me may have lost? – I don't know, I was too busy looking for my pigeon friends any not really paying attention to the "action" on the field…whatever) I went over to Kyle Orton's locker to see what his plans were and he was like, "oh, uh, my mom is sick, so I am just going to go see her tonight". I thought that was very nice of him, but kinda gay; so I asked Brian "I was born in the 1970's" Griese what he was up to (cause us gunslingers have to stick together) and he said, "uh, well, umm, I have to drive Kyle to his mom's house cause it's her birthday or something. No, wait, I mean, she is sick."

So I was a bit suspicious, but then I started thinking about the pigeons on the field last week and why they weren't at this game. The next thing I realized, I was the only person left in the locker room and all the lights were turned off (this happens a lot!). So I used the light from my cell phone to find my clothes, got dressed and just went home. I was going to go out, but the movie Beaches was on the USA network and I had some popcorn left, so that sealed the deal right there!

Well, a few hours ago I called Kyle to see how his mom was feeling, and he was so totally hungover! I disguised my voice to sound like Darth Vader and asked him what he did last night. He told me that he and Brian went out downtown and got smashed! WTF!?! Then he said, "Dude, we totally told Rex that my mom was sick and he bought it! That guy is so lame. Whenever we go out he keeps throwing his car keys to the wrong valet attendant, he drops drinks all over the place, and he's a crappy wing-man, he creeps all the chicks out with his constant pigeon conversations. Hey…who is this by the way?"

I was so mad at him! So I told him it was "Peapod" calling and that his groceries would be delivered in a little bit. I bet he has been waiting all day for his groceries and they're never going to come, LOL! Oh, and for the record, I only throw my keys to the wrong valet attendants like 2 or 3 times a night, and I keep dropping beers cause the bartenders hand them to me wrong!

Anyway, I have to think of something to do to get back at Brian too (its gonna be hard to top my "Peapod" idea though). Maybe I'll call his mom and tell her that Brian died of old age; or maybe I'll take his car and crash it on the Edens Expressway (like I did to get even with Lance Briggs after he tied my shoelaces together in practice one day). Anyway, I have to go, the Gummy Bears cartoon is on and I don't have this episode on Tivo.

You are my sunshine,

Rex.

Tears and Fears

What is that a picture of? Why its a "Pro-Bowl" QB blowing his entire team's season because he can't take a snap. Yeah everyone likes to criticize me because I have trouble holding onto snaps from Olen, but this guys went to the "Pro-Bowl." What kind of QB cries after a mistake. I am the most scrutinized QB in professional football today, millions of fans hate me and do you see me shedding a tear. No, I go about my business and do my job like a professional. Never have I cried on the field, Romo is a pansy. He is going to get destroyed like a Kennedy's liver on Christmas. Urlacher and Briggs are gonna bring a big plate of hurt to Captain Kleenex unlike anything he has seen before. Last season during Romo's "pro bowl" season he was ranked 32nd in the league in yards/game (I was 21st). The point is he is an overrated crybaby looser that is not a pro bowl QB and our defense is going to put him in his place. Goodnight Tony.

Pigeon

I kept noticing pigeons on the field yesterday during the kansas city game. At first there was a family of pigeons. A mom, dad and two kid pigeons. I know that it was a mom and dad cause they kept telling their children pigeons where to go. I think they must have been looking for food or maybe a place to sleep. Maybe they thought these was a rain storm coming and they wanted to look for a house to live in so they didn't get wet. Then they decided to go somewhere else, but I am not sure where. Then two other pigeons landed on the 30 yard line. I think they must have been on a date because there was one boy and one girl. They kept flying around and chasing each other. I wonder if it was a first date? I talked to my friend Dawn this week and she said a bird pooped on her Friday night. That is really funny.

Mike Brown, my father never liked you.

Dear Mike,

You are a useless waste of a professional football player and crying in the locker room in front of everyone because you hurt your knee is no way to act like a man. You should just quit the team and move back to Arizona where you can train dogs to fight each other. I hear they have a dry heat hopefully that will dry your tears when you stop crying.

You missed:
14 games in 2004
4 games in 2005
10 games in 2006
15 games in 2007

I know homeless people that go to work more often than you. Do yourself, your team and your family a favor and quietly retire from football.

Love,
Wrecks

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111

The coolest thing just happened this past week. We have another awesome QB trying out for the team. He is a former, and National Champion, Florida Gator (this is me totally doing the "gator chomp" in the air right now). CHRIS LEAK IS TRYING OUT FOR THE TEAM!!!!

The more great Florida Gator QBs we have on this team the better. Kyle is getting a little nervous since he thinks he will not have me as a drinking buddy anymore, but Kyle is so totally awesome he will love hanging out with Chris.

Ok buddies, I have to run to practice and make sure Chris makes the team!

Thanks

Dear Bloomington, IN, Gator Nation, and Steve Bartman,

Thanks for your support of my play all year. I might have been a little caught up in all of the distractions down in Miami, the rain, and counting to $1,000,000 to play a good game. But I promise that I will use this bonus to buy gifts and candy for all of you.

-Rex

reader comment

An anonymous poster posted this comment today:

Hehe - How did Peyton play outside last night???? Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

and how did your precious bears play outside last night????

tripped, slipped, dropped, flopped, picked, sucked, and lost. maybe you should re-write your blog to reflect reality

Ok Mr. Anonymous lets talk reality!!!!! Payton Manning’s season average passer rating when he is playing indoors is 112.0. Last night his passer rating was 81.8, which is far from “Grrrrrrrrrrreat!” In fact, last week I predicted that Manning’s rating yesterday would be 23.4 points lower than his average Looks like my prediction was close but he was actually worse last night than I thought.

Now let’s look at pass completions. This is absolutely hysterical because my pass completion percentage was actually higher than Manning’s!!!!! Maybe because I don’t lick my fingers as much as he does. I was 20 for 28 (71%), while Manning was 25 for 38 (66%) in between licking his hands.

So why on earth did he get the MVP last night? I threw 2 TD passes (unfortunately one for the Colts) and he only threw one. I was the giving the Colts excellent field position by dropping several snaps from a pro bowl center. So why did he get the MVP….. Because the Roger Goodell and Archie Manning are having a homosexual affair and this forces NFL to gush about all things Manning. They even love Cooper Manning who is a lazy cripple.

Steve

The Super Bowl wasn’t as much fun as I thought it would be, but I met this really cool guy Steve!!! Steve and I pretty much hung out the entire time, we went shopping, out to dinner, and he even showed me his totally awesome apartment. We seemed to talk about everything. He use to live in Chicago but moved down to Florida a couple of years ago. He says he misses Chicago but can’t go back for some reason. Steve said that I could move in with him if I wanted and I am thinking about. He has a really great futon that I could sleep on. I really like Florida, maybe I will stay here and move in with Steve. We can be BFFs!

Sunday we play outside

Passer ratting passer rating, that’s all the press wants to talk about when my name comes up. Do any of these “reporters” bother to do any research? We all know that Captain-Licks-A-Lot is the greatest quarterback in the history of the game (yeah right). He is so wonderfully awesome that is you spell Manning is scrabble you win forever.

Anyways, all it takes is a little bit of researching to see that he is only good when he plays indoors in a nice comfortable air conditioned stadium. Did you know that they heat the stadium in Indianapolis with dead babies?

Well, I have some finger licking good news for you Payton, your passer rating outside (where god intended football to be played), isn’t all that inspiring. If any of these “reporters” would do their homework they would notice some interesting numbers. I know you think you are hot stuff because you have a passer rating of 101 this season but Miami is an outdoor stadium and you can’t play outside. And guess what, the weather reports predict that temps could be in the 50s at game time. What’s even cooler is that there is a 50% chance of rain and thunderstorms the entire day. Unfortunately for you, Prince might have to switch to a thicker warmer blouse.

Captain Licks-A-Lot, your passer rating when you play outside is actually 23.4 points lower when you play outdoors!!!!!!! That is amazingly pathetic. How come no one is asking you why you can’t play outdoors? Or asking, which Payton is going to show up, the outdoor or indoor Payton? I know you will say to your lazy brother Cooper, that all QBs in the NFL have lower passer ratings when they play outside.

GUESS WHAT, WRONG WONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!! You and your cripple brother are both wrong. My passer rating this year is actually better when I play outside, probably because my parents loved me. When I play outdoors my passer rating is actually 17.9 points higher!!!!! This is why I am the greatest Bears QB ever and you are only good during the regular season when you play inside a dome.

Outdoors
Rex: 17.9 points higher
Licks-A-Lot: 23.4 points lower

You do the math

XOXOXO,
Rex

Tecmo Bowl Predictions

Just For Amanda

Amanda,
Have you ever heard of Tank Johnson? Well, he is suppose to be in jail, but just like Chuck Norris the Feds can't keep him locked up. Anyways, here is an artists rendition of Captain Licks-A-Lot getting destroyed by Tank and his fav buddy Adewale Ogunleye (big hitter the Lama).

p.s. Amanda = Connie

Frank Sinatra was right

Frank was right, Chicago is my kind of town.

Foreshadowing

Foreshadowing Sunday's Game

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!

Ruben Brown was just added to the Pro Bowl!!!!!! AWESOME!!!! This means we have 8 All-stars on our team this year. Ruben is our left Guard and he keeps me from getting sacked. He also does an amazing job at being a pulling guard and helped Jones score last week when we pulled Ruben. Awesome we rock, YAY!

He is no relation to the sandwich.

I guess this is special

Virginia McCaskey interview

Danieal & Ricky Manning

Dear Peyton,
I know that your family of Mannings gets a lot of publicity in the media and from the NFL writer guys, but we have Mannings in our family too. Our Mannings might be your cousins so you should make sure you throw to them a lot so that you don't get yelled at during the next family vacation at the lake.

I love going to the lake and I love that Chicago is right next to a lake. I wish it were summer so I could rollerblade along the lake and sit on the sand. Kyle and I like to make sand castles and spend all summer playing on the beach.

I am currently listening to Miami by Will Smith. I LOVE that song and it makes me happy that I will be able to be in a city that the Fresh Prince sang about. Kyle says that there are a lot of fun things to do in Miami. I wonder if they have a Hard Rock Cafe so I can get a t-shirt. I collect Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts.

I have to get to practice. Peyton, remember to throw to the people in your family that are still playing football, unlike your brothers and dad who will be watching from the sidelines.

Love,
ReX!

Moran you are the Best!

Moran you are the Best!

Judge John Moran,

Thank you so very much for letting my friend Tank Johnson come play football with me in the Super Bowl in two weekends. I promise that we will make sure Tank doesn’t play with any real guns or fake guns. We are trying to help him get over his addiction to ammunition and marijuana. We are not saying he uses either ammunition or marijuana but we know he likes to have them around (I think it reminds him of Gary Indiana where he was born). Anyways, Judge we think you are the coolest and when we go visit President George Bush after we win the Super Bowl, I will tell him to nominate you to the Supreme Court and he will have to listen because I will be a World Champion Quarter Back.

Hugs & Kisses,
Rex

I was right because I am the BEST

Last week I claimed that Dulymus wouldn’t be a threat to our amazing defense and it turns out I WAS RIGHT!!!!!! Dulymus sucked at running, he only got 18 rushing yards and his buddy Reggie Bush only rushed for 19 yards. I don’t think they like running in the cold and their coach Sean Payton isn’t very good. Hey coach, next time you play a game in Chicago in January you might want to practice outside at least once in the month leading up to the game. Check out some great game highlights below:

Super Bowl Bound

OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!

We just won the game and I am in the locker room on my laptop trying to write this while I am getting covered in champagne! We are going to the Super Bowl in Miami, I can't wait. It's so cold here in Chicago I can't feel my manicured toes. The locker room is so warm and nice, my blankey is here and I have a big glass of milk, which my mom used to give me when I was cold.

So I am not sure if you know this or not, but I am ONE game away from going to Disney World!!! I hope we win cause then I get to meet Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, Pluto, and Cnderella (who is the most beautiful girl in the whole world). If I get to go I am going to cut in every line so I can ride the rides first. Lovie said he won't ride the Teacups cause they make him throw up, but I am going to make him come with me. He can throw up all he wants but its going to be FUN!!! I hope Cinderella likes me cause she is the prettiest. Do you think she'll like me, or she will like me, like me? I want to marry her cause Brian told me her brother is Clay Aiken. Which means if we get married Clay will sing at our wedding. Imagine that, a Clay-nation wedding; that would make me so hot.

Okay, gotta go now and put on my clean disney underoos, make a wish for me (that I win the Super Bowl).

I "Lovie" you all (except Connie).

Rex.

Bear down

This is Bryan Griffin of the Chicago Lyric Opera!

Dulymus Jenod McAllister = 56 yards

Dulymus Jenod McAllister = 56 yards

That’s the name of the Saints RB that has been overrated all year. Some people call him “Deuce” or Captain Migi-Wipe in case you haven’t heard. Well there is a dirty little secret that no one from New Orleans wants to talk about, how many games has Dulymus played in cold weather……… The answer is just one and he only got 56 YARDS that game!!!!! Some might argue that Reggie Bush will be able to pull up the slack from the fair-weather runner, but Bush himself has even less cold weather yards. This pretty much puts a hole in the roof of their “Superdome Season.” Without having running backs that can play football outside (the way God intended it) the Saints have made it mathematically impossible to win on Sunday with snow in Chicago, IL.

BTW Dulymus spelled backwards is Sumylud, either way it just doesn’t make sense.

Dulymus in Snow

annadale138

Here is the Weather Report for Chicago on Sunday

Looks like it will be a little chilly and snowy for the New Orleans Saints on Sunday. Did you know that Deuce McAllister averages one yard less per carry in an outdoor stadium. Will he even know what to do in the snow? I wonder if he has ever even seen snow, he is from Mississippi, went to school in Mississippi and now lives in New Orleans. BTW his name isn't "deuce" (like what you use the migi-wipes for). His real name is Dulymus, WTF is a Dulymus? Oh and he isn’t Irish either.

I am going to make a snow angel when the saints loose in their honor.

Rex isn't a Saint, I am God.

Last week I was the best Quarterback in the NFL and that is why we beat the Seahawks:

Rex “Sexy Back” Grossman 282 passing yards
Tom Brady 280 passing yards
Drew Brees passing 243 yards
Jeff Garcia passing 240 yards

I am pretty sure Sunday’s performance will put me in the hall of fame.

Coach Smith told me not to blog too much this week because he wants me to focus on the game and he doesn’t want me to say anything that would motivate the New Orleans Saints. Well, no amount of motivation is going to help the saints because they are going to LOOSE on Sunday!!!!!!! I have read the bible and I have never heard about any Saints living in 30 degree weather (most of them just wore sandals). However, if you watch Animal Planet you will clearly see that Bears thrive in that temperature. So the Saints are going to loose because they hate playing outdoors.

They are overrated like Ohio State (more on this later).

Rex

Greatest invention EVER!

So I was just about to use the bathroom at Halas Hall earlier today, when I noticed all the stalls were taken. So I waited and waited for one to empty so I could go potty, but no one ever came out. Then I saw Brad Maynard enter one of the occupied stalls, I couldn't believe it! I asked him what he was doing going into a stall already full and he told me that the McCaskeys has hired a firm called Midgi-Wipes. Apparently, this firm sends midgets to your bathroom as attendants to help you potty, then wipe you. I went back to my locker and sure enough, there on my chair was a flyer explaining it all.

At first it was kinda weird having a boy-sized man stare at me while I pottied, but it was worth it. He had handi-wipes and baby powder, and even gave me a lollipop when he was done. It was the best potty I ever took (all by myself). Coach Lovie (still funny) said the midgets are out to get him, but I think he is just being paranoid. They like to sleep under his desk at night and jump out and scare him when he comes in to work in the morning. Seeing their little faces all scrunched up like monsters makes us all laugh. Lance Briggs pees himself every time they jump out of someone's locker and yell "roar". I think it’s the best invention ever and I am going to get one for my house.

Well I gotta go "release some hostages" now, so we'll chat later.

Sing a song about me,

Rex.

Fav song EVER!!!!!!

I have been working really hard at practice. One of the reasons that we got blown out on NYE and me having a passer rating lower than our punter was because I wasn’t focused or prepared. These past two weeks I have been totally focused except yesterday at practice I kept singing this song. I was even singing it in the shower but Tank Johnson kept looking at me “funny.”

The real me is a Southern girl With her Levi's on and an open heart Wish I could save the world Like I was Supergirl The real me used to laugh all night Lying in the grass, just talking 'bout love But lately I've been jaded Life got so
complicated I start thinking about it Almost forgot what it was like To know when it feels right But with you I can let my hair down I can say anything crazy I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground With nothing but a T-shirt on I never felt so beautiful Baby, as I do now Now that I'm with you With you With you With you Now that I'm with you You speak and it's like a song And just like that, all my walls come down It's like a private joke Just meant for us to know I relate to you naturally Everybody else just fades away Sometimes it's hard to breathe Just knowing you found me 'Cause I start thinking about it I almost forgot what it was like To know when love feels right 'Cause with you I can let my hair down I can say anything crazy I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground With nothing but a T-shirt on I never felt so beautiful Baby, as I do now Now that I'm with you With you With you With you Come and take me Love you, save me Like nobody else Now I can be myself with you I can let my hair down I can say anything crazy I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground With nothing but a T-shirt on I never felt so beautiful Baby, as I do now Now that I'm with you I can let my hair down I can say anything crazy I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground With nothing but a T-shirt on I never felt so beautiful Baby, as I do now Now that I'm with you

Does anyone know the name of that song? It is by Jessica Simpson and it is my fav!

I'm Back

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, I have been busy trying to find out what happened on NYE. That was a totally bad game. Did you know that our Punter, Brad Maynard, actually had a higher passer rating than me. How crazy is that, I think it made Orton nervous cause he did a ton of shots after the game. Speaking of shots, what do you think of this picture of me taking a shot from the packers? Ok I gotta run we can chat later.

p.s. I am bringing Rexy back on Sunday.